Who He Is

I love fresh starts. A clean page in a journal. (I prefer unlined paper. It appeals to my imagination.) A budding friendship. Moving to an city that is unfamiliar to you. The dawn of the day. A new year.

I wish there was a pause, though, between what was and what will be. My life does not support it much any more, but taking time for introspection, reflection, and meditation is important to me. Life is full of busy and the next thing on the list or schedule that we sometimes forget to actually take a breath. A heavenly perspective is a challenge to maintain, and those pauses help me turn my heart heavenward to hear God's voice in the midst of a very loud world. So very loud.

This time as the past year conceded to the next one, I found myself frantically reorganizing my house from Christmas travels, hastily repacking the holiday decorations, and finalizing my plans for the coming month of homeschool. When Sunday arrived, a day of rest, I simply could not find peace. My mind was buzzing with thoughts, and I felt restless. I desperately needed a pause. Luckily, my husband helped my sit and savor the day, to laugh with our children, and let go. My plans and lists would wait for me.

In those moments of rest, I realized my frantic state was my attempt to gain control of life and tame it. This, I fear, is not possible. Life cannot be tamed. No amount of cleaning out, organizing, or list making will  make me more ready to face what, I'm certain, will charge at me with amazing speed in the future. I will not seeing it coming, good or bad. Yes, this is a fresh start, but the start of what I do not know. Oswald Chambers said it best.

Have you been asking God what He is going to do?

He will never tell you.

God does not tell you what He is going to do;

He reveals to you Who He is."

So, as 2011 begins, I have myself a fresh start and a prayer that in all things this year, no matter what may come, God will reveal to me who He is and in that revealing I may live my untamed life for His glory.

Affections of the Heart

Today from our bookshelf I picked up Devotional Classics edited by Richard Foster and James Bryan Smith. I've been needing some direction and discipline in my spiritual walk recently, and several months ago I found this book and loved the layout and content. As I cracked it open this morning before all the inhabitants of our home awoke, the words of Jonathan Edwards pierced through the fog surrounding my spirit. 

The kind of religion that god requires, and will accept, does not consist in weak, dull, and lifeless "wouldings" - those weak inclinations that lack convictions - that raise us but a little above indifference. God, in his word, greatly insists that we be in good earnest, fervent in spirit, and that our hearts be engaged vigorously in our religion: "Be fervent in spirit, serving the Lord" (Rom. 12: 11, modified KJV).

Last week on several occasions I identified in myself some not so lovely attitudes. Selfishness, small mindedness, negativity. I have been full of 'woulding' and lacking greatly in fervent spirit. As painful as it is, I am so grateful for the insight the Holy Spirit offers into my own condition. Without it, I would be lost in my own darkness and completely unaware of it.


I feel the lethargy of waking from a deep and dreamless sleep. My heart and mind are eager to embrace a life vigorously engaged in God, but my spiritual muscles are out of shape and undisciplined. I long to hear God's voice, I long to worship Him wholeheartedly, I am eager to learn from His Word and grow. My prayer is that He would take my 'weak inclinations' and light a fire in my soul for Him. Passion. Strong conviction. Grounded Truth. Worship in spirit and truth. A walk that is worthy.

The nature of human beings is to be inactive unless influenced by some affection: love or hatred, desire, hope, fear, etc. These affections are the 'spring of action,' the things that set us moving in our lives, that move us to engage in activities.

God, my heart longs for You. Fuel that longing with the power of Your Holy Spirit to set me into motion. Move me toward You, compel me by Your love, and help me to engage in a life lived for you.

Sunday Rest

I am so tired today. It is a tiredness that makes me want to cry at the thought of trying to do anything productive today. My mind even hurts. This weariness, as desperate as it sounds, came only from the routine of living. Nothing dire has occurred. No major crisis is upon us. Life, so wonderful and full of joy, exhausts me at times. Our world today constantly advises us to push harder, work longer, play with greater verve. We strive in our jobs, we stay busy at home, our schedules fill up, and we even wear ourselves out with recreation. So, when do we rest? Where is the refreshment and joyful refilling of our ever draining tanks?

This week I was wonderfully inspired while reading the words of Anna Botsford Comstock in her Handbook of Nature Study.

Yes, catch up with more cares, more worries, more fatigue, 

but not with more growth, more strength, more vigor, 

and more courage for work....

Out in this, God's beautiful world, 

there is everything waiting to heal lacerated nerves, 

to strengthen tired muscles, 

to please and content the soul that is torn to shreds with duty and care.

God knows our desperate need for rest. He even commands us to keep the Sabbath day holy. In the past I understood this to mean only that we revere the Sabbath as a day of worship. This is true, but recently I have understood this command in a new light. We are most able to worship when our eyes are not on ourselves. In our constant busyness and routine lives, all too often our eyes are solely focused on the task at hand. This is wearisome work. We need rest. We need refreshment. We need God. 

Sunday is a day of worhsip. Sunday is a day of rest.It turns our souls and minds to God, the Overseer of our souls.

Go for a walk in the woods. Grab a glass of water and sit in your favorite chair and do nothing. Take a nap. Read a good book. Pray. In turn, the world will be put in perspective and the presence of God will be made known. Rest in Him.

Psalm 51: Broken

I love the Psalms. No matter how many times I've read and reread them, I always walk away with something new to challenge or refresh. Today Psalm 51 was the primary subject in my daily reading from the devotional classic Streams in the Desert. The author was focusing on verse 17, "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and a contrite heart." God uses broken things. How true. Later in the New Testament, Paul reminds us that "God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, that no flesh should glory in His presence." (I Cor. 1: 28-29)

Pride does not belong in the Christian life, but it comes so naturally to us. Brokenness, humility, and dependence are difficult pills to swallow. Yet God's Word is full of promises for His children who embrace them. The beginning of Matthew chapter 5 is an example of such promises. And today in Psalm 51 I was given even more insight into this matter of brokenness. We are born into iniquity, sin. We are born broken. And yet, despite that fact, God desires relationship with us. He longs to make us whole again. This is not always an easy process. Take verse 8, for example. "Make me to hear joy and gladness, that the bones which You have broken may rejoice." I will confess that this verse is difficult for me to comprehend, yet I know its Truth. God, at times, does have to break us in order to heal us. Our stubborn pride and sin harden us to His love and forgiveness. In such a state we cannot hear or understand the joy of God.

Through pain, we are brought to a place of healing. But when we are in the place of pain, often we ask, "Why?" Verses 12 and 13 of Psalm 51 offer one answer.
          Restore to me the Joy of Your salvation,
          And uphold me with Your generous Spirit.
          Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
          And sinners shall be converted to You.
God's work in our lives, however painful at times, affects others for Him. When we are restored to joy and healed in our spirits, others see the hand of God. The hope of salvation and the light of Truth shine forth and lead others to God.

So, what does this mean in real life? It means that I have had difficulties in my life. I have railed and screamed and wept. My heart has broken, and there have been times when darkness swept over me like a cloak. I have walked, sometimes limped, my way through those valleys to discover that the gentle hand of my Shepherd was ever at my back guiding me. He never left my side, and when I emerged from the darkness, the light of His love shone on my face and healed the bruises. I carry the scars, but more importantly, my soul has been knit even tighter to the one who washed the wounds and carried me through. Joy was restored to me, and He has always upheld me with His generous Spirit.

The difficult times never cease, but God is ever faithful. And through it all, my prayer is...
       Create in me a clean heart, O God, 
        and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

October

If I ascend into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me.
Psalm 139: 8-10

Today my heart is heavy. Over the course of the past few weeks I've been reminded of the depravity of the world around me, the limits of the ones I love, the vulnerabilities I carry within my own soul, and the stark need of a Savior. My heart hurts.

In pondering these things, I felt the stirrings of fear and anger (not the righteous kind, unfortunately), and I had to tamp down the urges to either run and hide or pick up my boxing gloves and go destroy something. These are only two of my own weaknesses I was also reminded of in recent days. Humbling.

I wish I could say I immediately turned to God with the boldness and confidence that Paul displayed when writing the epistles and ministering to the early church. I am convicted by his words in 2 Corinthians 5:20, "We are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were pleading through us - I implore you on Christ's behalf be reconciled to God! (2 Cor. 5: 20). He had a clear eternal perspective on life that still challenges and teaches me so many years later. And though I may not always feel the truth of these words, I am still an ambassador of Christ. However, this ambassador has a lot to learn. My reaction to facing some trials included the following:

I vented and fumed.
I stayed busy so I didn't have to process the issues.
I locked myself in the bathroom for a good crying jag.
I sent up desperate prayers that more resembled a rant than heartfelt petition.
I discussed the various issues with trusted people in my life.

With weariness plaguing me today, I finally did what I should have done weeks ago, I opened my Bible and my journal and my heart. Submission. And waiting for me there in the stillness was my Shepherd and King. And His sovereignty, His holiness, His grace, and His compassion reminded me that though there is deep darkness in this world, God's Light has pierced it.

"For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ."
2 Corinthians 4:6

Even as I type, the weight lifts off my shoulders. The weariness is replaced by hope and His strength. And my eyes shift from a downward view of earth to an upward view of Heaven.

God is here and He is faithful.
In the darkness, we have Hope and Light in Him.
We are not alone, and we are loved.

The Son is gone for a time
Struggle and strive to hold on
In the Dark
Search for the purpose in chaos
Watch for signs of the end
Here's the Hope
In the pursuit of Life
Shining His light on the path
For the People