My Exceeding Joy

It has been over a week since I last posted. This is not because I have nothing to say or have not learned anything new; it is because the thoughts in my head are so loud and the reflections of my heart so plentiful that I can barely put into words all that God is teaching me these days. The process is glorious and painful and full of insight. And as of yet, I'm not sure I can eloquently put into words my thoughts.

As I flipped through one of my old journals today, I found an entry that seemed to capture the cry of my heart these days. While I seem to be at a loss for words at the moment, I had the words years ago.

So, here it is...

"Tell me what you long for and I'll tell you who you are."
~James Hillman~

O God, my exceeding joy and delight,
Help me to see you above the fear in my path
To remember that change in direction is not tragic,
Yet forgetting the passion you've placed in my life may be.
Capturing your beauty and truth is light.
O God give me courage to see you in me
And believe I can become what you designed me to be.

I must confess that God has not been my exceeding joy or delight for much of the past year. I've been too caught up in myself, unfortunately. Of course, this was not a conscience choice; it was a gradual and progressive blindness. I suppose that is why my reawakening is so glorious and painful. I'm seeing with new eyes. What I see of God takes my breath away, what I see of myself is excruciatingly painful. During this process I've had one main prayer...

Psalm 25: 4-5
Show me Your ways, O Lord;
Teach me Your paths.
Lead me in Your truth and teach me.
For You are the God of my salvation;
On You I wait all the day.

In praying this and applying it to my everyday decisions, I made a wretched discovery about myself. I wanted to walk in God's ways, but I was actually too afraid to do so. My prayer from years ago is still the true cry of my heart, but I've been stuck on line two and I didn't even realize it until today. I've been afraid. Afraid of what, you ask?

His ways would challenge me beyond my ability.
The way He chose would require me to step out of my blanket of comfort.
I wouldn't be in control.

And the list goes on with even more ridiculous fears. Although, I think the last reason was my biggest one and within it lies the crux of the matter, a lack of faith in God. I say these fears are ridiculous because if I truly believe God is who He says He is, then He is worthy of all my faith and trust. My fear is a lie meant to keep me from really knowing God's goodness and power.

So, I've been examening my heart and seeking God. Last week I reread Psalm 23 and realized I've taken the message for granted. This past week I've dwelled on it. I've wrapped myself up in its Truth and let it seep into my soul.

The Shepherd provides generously and consistenly.
The Shedpherd protects rigorously.
He leads with compassion and wisdom.

Why? Because He loves.

All of a sudden my fears felt small and insignificant and God was very big and powerful and capable. I began to understand. So today I read the first two verses of Psalm 25, the psalm I've been praying for weeks now. These verses made all the other thoughts and ponderings of my heart congeal and take root in my hungry soul.

To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
O my God, I trust in You...

Simple. Beautiful. True. God loves me, therefore I put my trust in Him. Much like the sheep who trust and follow their shepherd with unswerving devotion, I must trust and follow God. That must be there before He can show me His ways, teach me His paths, or lead me in His Truth. There is no reason or room for fear. What is left is a joy that endures and a hope that resonates in my soul.

Inescapable

When God has something for me to learn, He is relentless and creative in His pursuit. Circumstances and books and friends have all converged on my heart and mind with the same message, pray. For months now I have been coasting through life with reckless and abandon, quite happy with my quiet life and simple pursuits. Since November, I haven't been able to coast. I'm all shook up and nothing is simple or quiet. In fact, I'm sure I cried more in January than I cried all of last year. And I'm not a crier. It's not even that life is so hard or that things are going badly. It's more a matter of the heart and mind. When you are coasting, you aren't really driving things so much as riding along as the scenery passes you by. Now I'm having to actually drive, make decisions, live my life with intention, and I feel utterly unprepared and ill equipped. I am more aware of the finer details of my life as they are piling up and my need for Divine guidance. My mind is open and alert, my heart submissive and ready, my soul eager. I feel so vulnerable. So small.

I'm learning a lot. And as I learn I find I have even more questions. Growth, at times, is painful. What I'm stuck on at the moment is this, God is in the details. (If you aren't sure about that, read the last chapters of Exodus as God instructs Moses on building the tabernacle, the ark of the covenant, and the priesthood. Reading the Old Testament is very interesting!) He's got them covered, and I just need to trust Him with the outcome. Prayer is not about the details and making God aware of what's going on in my life and how much I need His intervention. It's not about getting answers to my questions and requests. Prayer is about discovering my all powerful, most holy, completely loving God and learning to see His mighty hand at work in this world.

The thing is that it just isn't about me.

Imagine that.

God has my attention and it is inescapable. Sometimes I coast and drift through life because it's easier than remembering that there is much more to this life than my own simple circumstances. Sometimes I get swallowed up in the details of living and think that that is the important stuff. God is calling me to something deeper, something bigger, something with much more purpose and meaning. He is calling me to Him, and He is calling me to prayer.

On Sunday as I gazed out of the window of my plane as it winged it's way back to Texas I found myself in a beautiful, breath stealing world of clouds. Large, bountiful, mysterious lands of white. Below were these tiny dots of land and movement and shadows. The sun blazed on the wing of the plane and outlined the clouds in brilliance. Words abandoned my mind and I felt a lightness in my spirit. For the millionth time in a month, tears came to my eyes.

God did this.

The wonder of it stole away my worries, my pain, my hurt, my time, my words, and my details. All that was left was God in His infinite glory. What was left was prayer, sweet communion with my Creator as He let me see Him.

Inescapable.

I'm so glad it's not about me.