Marinade

Abiding in Christ is a beautiful picture of relationship and love and dwelling that has always drawn me. The language of abiding in scripture lures me in to God. The idea of hunkering down inside of God’s love and glory and character astounds me. Can I really do this? He wants me to do this? Oh, yes. But as much as this idea of  ‘abiding’ sparks hope in my heart, I find too often I just don’t know what it looks like in real life. I’m a visual person. I want to see what abiding looks like in the everyday busyness of life.  Of course, the gospel writers paint a very beautiful picture of Christ abiding in the Father and His call to us to do the same. And still I struggle. 

Today I realized something amazing. Abiding is something I talk about a lot. I love the word “marinate”. I use it a lot. Ask my friends and family. And most of the time I’m not referring to food when I say it. When I say I want ‘to marinate’ in something, I’m referring to my deep and heartfelt longing to absorb every last morsel of goodness from an experience or idea or person. That is the very idea of marinating, isn’t it? We marinate food so that the wonderful scents and flavors of the marinade penetrate the very fibers of the food transforming it into something savory and wonderful. 

 

God is calling us to marinate in Him. With every thought, word, action, and moment of my day, God wants me to be marinating in Truth and Love and Light so that during my lifetime I will more and more look and sound and act like my Savior. So much so, that when others observe my life they will taste and see that the Lord is good. God will have penetrated my fibers so completely that the very heart and soul of me will be transformed into something savory and wonderful and God-like. 

So, maybe I do understand abiding a bit better than I thought.

Discouragement

Raising three children, teaching them God's ways and educating them in academics, managing our home, volunteering at church, visiting with friends, caring for a growing number of pets, making time for appointments, spending time with my wonderful husband, cooking dinner, running children around to lessons and practices, squeezing time in for a little rest. Deep breath.

It's an absolutely wonderful life. I love it with ever fiber of my being. Lately, though I've felt the weight of responsibility, the crush of time, and the weariness of a woman not lingering at her Father's feet.

I began looking through a book I recently purchased for the startling amount of one single dollar. The first pages encouraged the readers to analyze the 'why' of what we do as women. In particular she referred to why we want a clean house. So, I started my list...

...I want to be able to welcome others over at a moment's notice - hospitality.
...A well organized and clean home is warm and inviting - peace & simplicity.
...I want to be a good steward of what we have been given - stewardship.
...God has given me this work and blessed it - calling & design.
...When my home is put together, I feel free to enjoy my sweet family - joy.

As I looked at the list and the labels I gave each item, my heart rested on Proverbs 31. There is something bigger going on here than a clean house. Who I am in Christ touches on every aspect of my life. When I am abiding in Him, dwelling in His presence, listening to the Spirit, rejoicing in every trial and blessing, and seeking Him the why of everything I do is to glorify Him.

Today I really needed to be reminded of that bigger view of life. It just simply is not about me at all. The moment I lose sight of that, I've lost sight of God.

Father, as I clean my house, love my husband, teach our children, work, laugh, and play, help me to glorify You. When I feel weary and worn out, help me to cast my eyes upon the author and finisher of my faith and glorify You. On the days when everything is hard, give me joy in You and show me how to glorify You. On the days when everything is laughter and sunshine, may I give you the glory. Teach me to love You with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength so that in all things You will be glorified. Amen

The deep things of God

My mind is fuzzy. I have a hard time concentrating. If I don't write it down, it doesn't get bought or accomplished. And when I go to pray, my thoughts meander and drift and ramble aimlessly about in my soul. Today as I was praying I asked God for help. I miss Him but I feel gripped by this haze of worldly duty. Longing for the spiritual, I feel controlled by the flesh. What's up?

Very quickly, God directed me to I Corinthians 2. In a flash, I realized that my problem is one that resides in habitual thought. My mind has been redeemed by God through Christ's blood, but I have been living as if my mind is my own. First Corinthians 2: 16 states that I have the mind of Christ. The mind of Christ!

What have I been feeding my mind? Am I taking my thought captive unto Christ?

There is no barrier between me and my Savior. However, Satan has been very effective lately at distracting me. Can I blame him? No. I must confess my weakness before my Lord and then walk worthy of the calling for which He has called me. I am redeemed!

"Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, 

but the Spirit who is from God that we might know 

the things that have been freely given to us by God."

I Corinthians 2: 12

And what are those things? They are the deep things of God. Amen!

Pitching our tents

My phone has this wonderful app that has daily readings and devotions. I discovered that on it is one of my favorites, Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest. This week I was particularly struck by his words on worship, something I have been longing for more of in my life and something I find I have lost touch with also. The scripture reference was from Genesis 12: 8 where Abram is traveling yet stops to build an alter of worship to God between Bethel and Ai.

We have to pitch our tents where we shall always have quiet times with God, however, noisy our times with the world may be. There are not three stages in spiritual life - worship, waiting and work..God's idea is that the three should go together. They were always together in the life of Our Lord. He was unhasting and unresting. It is a discipline, we cannot get into it all at once.

Mr. Chambers defines worship as the giving of our best to God. These offerings are really a giving back of what God has first given to you. And He has given me so much. How often do I truly give Him my best? Am I disciplined to worship Him throughout my day in my working, resting, and play? No, I am weak willed and selfish. In the busyness of life, I work. Truth be told, I don't know who gets my best. Most likely, no one. Without God as my center and core, I have no best to give. God certainly is not getting my all. In fact, too often I do not even credit Him with all that He has given me. No wonder I have lost touch with what it is to worship. I have pitched my tent in Ai, the world, and I have forgotten what it is like to have pitched my tent in Bethel, sweet communion with God. Like Abram, I need to learn to worship God in the living of life. I must take captive every thought, I must honor God with the work of my hands, and I must include my Father in the joys of my resting and playing too. Worship is a lifestyle, not a solitary act. 

I have been convicted of late that I do need to make time with my Savior a priority. My husband cannot lead me alone. My church is not responsible for my growth. My devotions with the children are not sufficient. God desires me. All of me. My best. He wants to lead me, He will teach me, if only I will come to Him.

Father, forgive my pride. I have taken on my role as mother, teacher, wife and worn those roles as a badge. I have organized and planned in my need for control and forgotten to follow my Shepherd. Instead of trusting you, I have trusted my plan. I have pitched my tent in the world and I desperately long for communion with You. I miss the the guidance of your Spirit, hearing Your gentle voice calling to me and teaching me. I want to be awakened and challenged by Your powerful, living Word. I cannot teach or guide our children alone. The responsibilities you have given me are such a wondrous gift and yet I have not kept You sacred in my heart while I bear them. Awaken my soul. Refresh my spirit. Renew my mind. Help me grow in discipline and grace. Open my heart and my life to true worship in spirit and in Truth. I long for You. Give me a greater hunger for You. Thank you for washing me clean through Christ and giving me Life abundant.

Who He Is

I love fresh starts. A clean page in a journal. (I prefer unlined paper. It appeals to my imagination.) A budding friendship. Moving to an city that is unfamiliar to you. The dawn of the day. A new year.

I wish there was a pause, though, between what was and what will be. My life does not support it much any more, but taking time for introspection, reflection, and meditation is important to me. Life is full of busy and the next thing on the list or schedule that we sometimes forget to actually take a breath. A heavenly perspective is a challenge to maintain, and those pauses help me turn my heart heavenward to hear God's voice in the midst of a very loud world. So very loud.

This time as the past year conceded to the next one, I found myself frantically reorganizing my house from Christmas travels, hastily repacking the holiday decorations, and finalizing my plans for the coming month of homeschool. When Sunday arrived, a day of rest, I simply could not find peace. My mind was buzzing with thoughts, and I felt restless. I desperately needed a pause. Luckily, my husband helped my sit and savor the day, to laugh with our children, and let go. My plans and lists would wait for me.

In those moments of rest, I realized my frantic state was my attempt to gain control of life and tame it. This, I fear, is not possible. Life cannot be tamed. No amount of cleaning out, organizing, or list making will  make me more ready to face what, I'm certain, will charge at me with amazing speed in the future. I will not seeing it coming, good or bad. Yes, this is a fresh start, but the start of what I do not know. Oswald Chambers said it best.

Have you been asking God what He is going to do?

He will never tell you.

God does not tell you what He is going to do;

He reveals to you Who He is."

So, as 2011 begins, I have myself a fresh start and a prayer that in all things this year, no matter what may come, God will reveal to me who He is and in that revealing I may live my untamed life for His glory.

Affections of the Heart

Today from our bookshelf I picked up Devotional Classics edited by Richard Foster and James Bryan Smith. I've been needing some direction and discipline in my spiritual walk recently, and several months ago I found this book and loved the layout and content. As I cracked it open this morning before all the inhabitants of our home awoke, the words of Jonathan Edwards pierced through the fog surrounding my spirit. 

The kind of religion that god requires, and will accept, does not consist in weak, dull, and lifeless "wouldings" - those weak inclinations that lack convictions - that raise us but a little above indifference. God, in his word, greatly insists that we be in good earnest, fervent in spirit, and that our hearts be engaged vigorously in our religion: "Be fervent in spirit, serving the Lord" (Rom. 12: 11, modified KJV).

Last week on several occasions I identified in myself some not so lovely attitudes. Selfishness, small mindedness, negativity. I have been full of 'woulding' and lacking greatly in fervent spirit. As painful as it is, I am so grateful for the insight the Holy Spirit offers into my own condition. Without it, I would be lost in my own darkness and completely unaware of it.


I feel the lethargy of waking from a deep and dreamless sleep. My heart and mind are eager to embrace a life vigorously engaged in God, but my spiritual muscles are out of shape and undisciplined. I long to hear God's voice, I long to worship Him wholeheartedly, I am eager to learn from His Word and grow. My prayer is that He would take my 'weak inclinations' and light a fire in my soul for Him. Passion. Strong conviction. Grounded Truth. Worship in spirit and truth. A walk that is worthy.

The nature of human beings is to be inactive unless influenced by some affection: love or hatred, desire, hope, fear, etc. These affections are the 'spring of action,' the things that set us moving in our lives, that move us to engage in activities.

God, my heart longs for You. Fuel that longing with the power of Your Holy Spirit to set me into motion. Move me toward You, compel me by Your love, and help me to engage in a life lived for you.

Sunday Rest

I am so tired today. It is a tiredness that makes me want to cry at the thought of trying to do anything productive today. My mind even hurts. This weariness, as desperate as it sounds, came only from the routine of living. Nothing dire has occurred. No major crisis is upon us. Life, so wonderful and full of joy, exhausts me at times. Our world today constantly advises us to push harder, work longer, play with greater verve. We strive in our jobs, we stay busy at home, our schedules fill up, and we even wear ourselves out with recreation. So, when do we rest? Where is the refreshment and joyful refilling of our ever draining tanks?

This week I was wonderfully inspired while reading the words of Anna Botsford Comstock in her Handbook of Nature Study.

Yes, catch up with more cares, more worries, more fatigue, 

but not with more growth, more strength, more vigor, 

and more courage for work....

Out in this, God's beautiful world, 

there is everything waiting to heal lacerated nerves, 

to strengthen tired muscles, 

to please and content the soul that is torn to shreds with duty and care.

God knows our desperate need for rest. He even commands us to keep the Sabbath day holy. In the past I understood this to mean only that we revere the Sabbath as a day of worship. This is true, but recently I have understood this command in a new light. We are most able to worship when our eyes are not on ourselves. In our constant busyness and routine lives, all too often our eyes are solely focused on the task at hand. This is wearisome work. We need rest. We need refreshment. We need God. 

Sunday is a day of worhsip. Sunday is a day of rest.It turns our souls and minds to God, the Overseer of our souls.

Go for a walk in the woods. Grab a glass of water and sit in your favorite chair and do nothing. Take a nap. Read a good book. Pray. In turn, the world will be put in perspective and the presence of God will be made known. Rest in Him.

Psalm 51: Broken

I love the Psalms. No matter how many times I've read and reread them, I always walk away with something new to challenge or refresh. Today Psalm 51 was the primary subject in my daily reading from the devotional classic Streams in the Desert. The author was focusing on verse 17, "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and a contrite heart." God uses broken things. How true. Later in the New Testament, Paul reminds us that "God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, that no flesh should glory in His presence." (I Cor. 1: 28-29)

Pride does not belong in the Christian life, but it comes so naturally to us. Brokenness, humility, and dependence are difficult pills to swallow. Yet God's Word is full of promises for His children who embrace them. The beginning of Matthew chapter 5 is an example of such promises. And today in Psalm 51 I was given even more insight into this matter of brokenness. We are born into iniquity, sin. We are born broken. And yet, despite that fact, God desires relationship with us. He longs to make us whole again. This is not always an easy process. Take verse 8, for example. "Make me to hear joy and gladness, that the bones which You have broken may rejoice." I will confess that this verse is difficult for me to comprehend, yet I know its Truth. God, at times, does have to break us in order to heal us. Our stubborn pride and sin harden us to His love and forgiveness. In such a state we cannot hear or understand the joy of God.

Through pain, we are brought to a place of healing. But when we are in the place of pain, often we ask, "Why?" Verses 12 and 13 of Psalm 51 offer one answer.
          Restore to me the Joy of Your salvation,
          And uphold me with Your generous Spirit.
          Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
          And sinners shall be converted to You.
God's work in our lives, however painful at times, affects others for Him. When we are restored to joy and healed in our spirits, others see the hand of God. The hope of salvation and the light of Truth shine forth and lead others to God.

So, what does this mean in real life? It means that I have had difficulties in my life. I have railed and screamed and wept. My heart has broken, and there have been times when darkness swept over me like a cloak. I have walked, sometimes limped, my way through those valleys to discover that the gentle hand of my Shepherd was ever at my back guiding me. He never left my side, and when I emerged from the darkness, the light of His love shone on my face and healed the bruises. I carry the scars, but more importantly, my soul has been knit even tighter to the one who washed the wounds and carried me through. Joy was restored to me, and He has always upheld me with His generous Spirit.

The difficult times never cease, but God is ever faithful. And through it all, my prayer is...
       Create in me a clean heart, O God, 
        and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

October

If I ascend into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me.
Psalm 139: 8-10

Today my heart is heavy. Over the course of the past few weeks I've been reminded of the depravity of the world around me, the limits of the ones I love, the vulnerabilities I carry within my own soul, and the stark need of a Savior. My heart hurts.

In pondering these things, I felt the stirrings of fear and anger (not the righteous kind, unfortunately), and I had to tamp down the urges to either run and hide or pick up my boxing gloves and go destroy something. These are only two of my own weaknesses I was also reminded of in recent days. Humbling.

I wish I could say I immediately turned to God with the boldness and confidence that Paul displayed when writing the epistles and ministering to the early church. I am convicted by his words in 2 Corinthians 5:20, "We are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were pleading through us - I implore you on Christ's behalf be reconciled to God! (2 Cor. 5: 20). He had a clear eternal perspective on life that still challenges and teaches me so many years later. And though I may not always feel the truth of these words, I am still an ambassador of Christ. However, this ambassador has a lot to learn. My reaction to facing some trials included the following:

I vented and fumed.
I stayed busy so I didn't have to process the issues.
I locked myself in the bathroom for a good crying jag.
I sent up desperate prayers that more resembled a rant than heartfelt petition.
I discussed the various issues with trusted people in my life.

With weariness plaguing me today, I finally did what I should have done weeks ago, I opened my Bible and my journal and my heart. Submission. And waiting for me there in the stillness was my Shepherd and King. And His sovereignty, His holiness, His grace, and His compassion reminded me that though there is deep darkness in this world, God's Light has pierced it.

"For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ."
2 Corinthians 4:6

Even as I type, the weight lifts off my shoulders. The weariness is replaced by hope and His strength. And my eyes shift from a downward view of earth to an upward view of Heaven.

God is here and He is faithful.
In the darkness, we have Hope and Light in Him.
We are not alone, and we are loved.

The Son is gone for a time
Struggle and strive to hold on
In the Dark
Search for the purpose in chaos
Watch for signs of the end
Here's the Hope
In the pursuit of Life
Shining His light on the path
For the People

Short Sighted

Today I am short sighted. This I know. I have no great spiritual insight or wisdom to share. Instead I have a heart full of emotions, a weary spirit, and a mind full of frustration. Oh, the weight of these feet of clay.

I just finished reading a book by Tosca Lee entitled Havah: The Story of Eve. More than any other book I've read in years, this one impacted me and stirred my soul. On a daily basis we experience the struggle of flesh with spirit and we feel the mighty burden of sin, even though as disciples of Christ we do know hope and redemption. This book, though fiction, offered such a striking and real picture of the harmony and love and beauty in the Garden versus the desperation and loneliness and strife in a world without God. It broke my heart because of our sad state and stirred within me a longing cry for my Savior and restoration.

Maybe because of all I felt in reading that book, I am feeling more deeply my struggles today because in them I see myself living out the consequences of mankind turning from God. Are my struggles so big? Certainly not. They are the stuff of daily life and yet today they overwhelm me because for a moment I've caught a glimmer of a life in eternity. But staying focused on my eternal purpose is a constant battle.

My dirty house beckons...
A sick and angry child screams and whines and pleads...
Another child sweetly demands my every attention...
My errands and agenda are twarted by the aforementioned...
Plans crop up for my husband that leave me facing alone the previous stated issues...
Missing my family so far way causes sharp pangs of loneliness in my heart...
Indecision and lack of direction over other issues plague me..
And I'm sick.

Short sighted.
With my head bent in weariness, all I see are my feet of clay.
Uninspiring. Unmotivating.

Despite it all, I feel the hand of my Shephard gently lifitng my chin and calling my name.

"Look up, child. I love you. I chose you. You are mine. Follow me."

And with that, I can begin again. With my sight set on Him, I need not see what lies ahead. In fact, I need not see anything else...what lies ahead, what fell behind, what surrounds. I need only know that He is here with me. I am not alone. And I am loved.

Striving

It's been over a month since I've posted here. I'd like to say it's because I've been so busy, but the truth is that I've not had much to say. So easily I go from in the depths of Truth and inspirational relationship with God to wandering and meandering through life again. What happened? Well, I'll confess. While coasting on the heels of a great revival in my spirit, I lost sight of my sweet Savior. Silly sheep that I am, I allowed fear and insecurity to creep in and I forgot the strength and compassion of my Shepherd. I thought I had it under control, and what do I get? Striving. Discontent. Loss of joy.

Let me just say here, that is a tough thing to own up to after the past few months I've had. Truly, I am ashamed of my weak will and sin.

The good news is that my Shepherd loves me, and although I may have lost sight of Him, He never lost sight of me. Whew!

Today I did what anyone who is striving ought to do. I quit, waved the white flag, sat down, and prayed.

I don't have all the answers. He does.
I don't know what the next few months will bring. He does.
I can't do everything. He can.

Okay, so this sheep in all humility is now happily following her Shepherd again. Truly, it is a much better way of living.

Here are a few of my all time favorites that I plan to dwell on the next few days. They certainly lend a little perspective to a wandering sheep.

Psalm 16: 5,6, 11
You, O Lord, are the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You maintain mylot. The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Yes, I have a good inheritance. You will show me the path of like; In Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Psalm 25: 1,2a,4,5
To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, I trust in You...Show me Your ways, O Lord; Teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your Truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; on You I wait all the day.

Psalm 37:3-7
Trust in the Lord, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday.

Belief versus Faith

This past week I was studying the difference between belief and faith. For me it was eye-opening, and with Easter around the corner, I thought it perfect timing. Here is a bit of what I learned...

I've believed in God for as long as I can remember, but that is not faith. Faith is something infinitely deeper and more intimate. It says in James 2: 19 that the demons believe, but do they have faith? No. Everyone believes something or believes in something. But what is faith?

I was struck by one paragraph in the study this week, probably because it spoke directly to where I was at the moment. It's truth resonates. This is from the book Live a Praying Life by Jennifer Kennedy Dean.

If you find yourself shifting back and forth between confidence and anxiety,if you find that your mind and emotions can never fully be at rest,probably you have strong belief, but have not moved on to faith. You cannot get faith from any source except God Himself. Get to know the Promiser for yourself, and it will be easy to trust His promises. Give Him every opportunity to prove Himself strong in your behalf. Let Him take responsibility for moving you on to faith. Rest in Him.

This is the crux of the matter to me. Faith is a confidence in the character of God and the Truth of His Word. It requires a relationship with the Almighty and an awareness of His Presence in my life. I can have faith in Him because I KNOW Him. I have experienced Him and I trust Him. You see belief is a shaky business; it can change with the wind and does not have a foundation. But faith is rock solid and built on Truth. And when God speaks, I can obey in faith because I have confidence in who He is.

Later in the study, the author makes this distinction.

Faith in its active form is called "obedience."
Faith in its spoken form is called "prayer."

Faith puts action to belief. It is the heart and mind of the matter. Belief penetrates your mind. Faith penetrates your mind, heart, soul, and body. It becomes the way you live. And prayer is the relational aspect of faith. Faith is rooted in Someone.

I've always loved Hebrews 11. It is such an inspiring and challenging treatise on faith. Here is part of it...

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. for by it the elders obtained a good testimony. By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible.

By faith Able offered to God...
By faith Enoch was translated...

But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he sho comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

By faith Noah, being divinely warned of things not yet seen,
moved with godly fear and perpared an ark...
By faith Abraham obeyed...
By faith he (Abraham) sojourned...)
By faith Sarah herself also received strength to conceive and bore a child...
By faith Issac blessed Jacob and Esau...
By faith Jacob blessed his sons and worshipped...
By faith....

The list goes on and on. By faith, God's people acted on His word. This passage is chock full of verbs. All these people had relationships with God, firsthand experience, and the relationship gave scope and purpose to their lives. Hope. They chose to walk a life directed by God in faith.

I understand with greater clarity now why my life looks so different when I am walking by faith instead of just belief in God. God calls His people to hear His voice and respond in faith. Obedience. Is it easy? No. Is it worth it? Yes. DoI always obey and listen with faith? Certainly not. But when I do, the difference in my life, my mind, and my soul is significant.

You will show me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
At your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
Psalm 16:11

So, this Easter as I celebrate the resurrection of Christ and the gift of life He has given me, I will have faith in the one, true living God with whom I can daily interact. This is the gift of Easter, a relationship with the Almighty God of the universe. My faith rests in Him and I am full of joy.

All In

Since my last post life has been super busy, but I've learned a lot.

The months previous were fairly quiet, and in that time God was allowing me to marinate in His Word and in His presence. It took me a while to take it all in. In fact, to be honest, I still am soaking it up, but I've had some aha moments too.

About a month ago, late February, I was given the opportunity to get away for a weekend sans kids and husband. It was a glorious time of quiet reflection. In that time I was able to finally rest in Him. My soul in its struggle to release my fears and truly trust in my Heavenly Father found its reward that weekend, a sweet communion with Him. Since then, life has not granted me such quiet moments of reflection, but God had filled up my tank to carry me through the busy days.

Here is what I know now after months of being pruned in God's garden.

His Word is most certainly alive. Though written hundreds of years ago, there Truth is unwavering and still applicable today.

God does speak to His children, not in an audible voice, but clearly nonetheless.

God always answers our prayers. It is when we are humble and in constant communion with Him that we actually see His hand at work and recognize that His answers don't always come packaged as we expected.

God cares about the details, even the ones we think are insignificant.

There is a boundless joy and peace in walking in His ways.

See the thing is, I hadn't lived these things and experienced them in the recent past because I wasn't all in. I believed in God, I lived a decent life, but I wasn't all in. I was coasting, uncommitted.

Jim Elliot once wrote,
"Wherever you are, be all there.
Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."

I wasn't all in because I didn't know God well enough to trust Him, I didn't seek Him enough to discern His will, and I didn't understand His ways enough to walk in them. I was lost and didn't even know it. I couldn't "be all there" because I didn't know where "there" even was.

Funny isn't it?

A relationship with God is a journey. On that journey you learn a lot about yourself, but mostly you learn about God. He is the goal of the journey. Not the answers to prayer, not an easy life, not anything we are taught to expect by the world. Knowing God is the most rewarding, joy-filled, amazing experience I've ever been given. And I rejoice that it is a journey I can continue for the rest of my days.

And now I can say with confidence that I am all in.

My Exceeding Joy

It has been over a week since I last posted. This is not because I have nothing to say or have not learned anything new; it is because the thoughts in my head are so loud and the reflections of my heart so plentiful that I can barely put into words all that God is teaching me these days. The process is glorious and painful and full of insight. And as of yet, I'm not sure I can eloquently put into words my thoughts.

As I flipped through one of my old journals today, I found an entry that seemed to capture the cry of my heart these days. While I seem to be at a loss for words at the moment, I had the words years ago.

So, here it is...

"Tell me what you long for and I'll tell you who you are."
~James Hillman~

O God, my exceeding joy and delight,
Help me to see you above the fear in my path
To remember that change in direction is not tragic,
Yet forgetting the passion you've placed in my life may be.
Capturing your beauty and truth is light.
O God give me courage to see you in me
And believe I can become what you designed me to be.

I must confess that God has not been my exceeding joy or delight for much of the past year. I've been too caught up in myself, unfortunately. Of course, this was not a conscience choice; it was a gradual and progressive blindness. I suppose that is why my reawakening is so glorious and painful. I'm seeing with new eyes. What I see of God takes my breath away, what I see of myself is excruciatingly painful. During this process I've had one main prayer...

Psalm 25: 4-5
Show me Your ways, O Lord;
Teach me Your paths.
Lead me in Your truth and teach me.
For You are the God of my salvation;
On You I wait all the day.

In praying this and applying it to my everyday decisions, I made a wretched discovery about myself. I wanted to walk in God's ways, but I was actually too afraid to do so. My prayer from years ago is still the true cry of my heart, but I've been stuck on line two and I didn't even realize it until today. I've been afraid. Afraid of what, you ask?

His ways would challenge me beyond my ability.
The way He chose would require me to step out of my blanket of comfort.
I wouldn't be in control.

And the list goes on with even more ridiculous fears. Although, I think the last reason was my biggest one and within it lies the crux of the matter, a lack of faith in God. I say these fears are ridiculous because if I truly believe God is who He says He is, then He is worthy of all my faith and trust. My fear is a lie meant to keep me from really knowing God's goodness and power.

So, I've been examening my heart and seeking God. Last week I reread Psalm 23 and realized I've taken the message for granted. This past week I've dwelled on it. I've wrapped myself up in its Truth and let it seep into my soul.

The Shepherd provides generously and consistenly.
The Shedpherd protects rigorously.
He leads with compassion and wisdom.

Why? Because He loves.

All of a sudden my fears felt small and insignificant and God was very big and powerful and capable. I began to understand. So today I read the first two verses of Psalm 25, the psalm I've been praying for weeks now. These verses made all the other thoughts and ponderings of my heart congeal and take root in my hungry soul.

To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
O my God, I trust in You...

Simple. Beautiful. True. God loves me, therefore I put my trust in Him. Much like the sheep who trust and follow their shepherd with unswerving devotion, I must trust and follow God. That must be there before He can show me His ways, teach me His paths, or lead me in His Truth. There is no reason or room for fear. What is left is a joy that endures and a hope that resonates in my soul.

Inescapable

When God has something for me to learn, He is relentless and creative in His pursuit. Circumstances and books and friends have all converged on my heart and mind with the same message, pray. For months now I have been coasting through life with reckless and abandon, quite happy with my quiet life and simple pursuits. Since November, I haven't been able to coast. I'm all shook up and nothing is simple or quiet. In fact, I'm sure I cried more in January than I cried all of last year. And I'm not a crier. It's not even that life is so hard or that things are going badly. It's more a matter of the heart and mind. When you are coasting, you aren't really driving things so much as riding along as the scenery passes you by. Now I'm having to actually drive, make decisions, live my life with intention, and I feel utterly unprepared and ill equipped. I am more aware of the finer details of my life as they are piling up and my need for Divine guidance. My mind is open and alert, my heart submissive and ready, my soul eager. I feel so vulnerable. So small.

I'm learning a lot. And as I learn I find I have even more questions. Growth, at times, is painful. What I'm stuck on at the moment is this, God is in the details. (If you aren't sure about that, read the last chapters of Exodus as God instructs Moses on building the tabernacle, the ark of the covenant, and the priesthood. Reading the Old Testament is very interesting!) He's got them covered, and I just need to trust Him with the outcome. Prayer is not about the details and making God aware of what's going on in my life and how much I need His intervention. It's not about getting answers to my questions and requests. Prayer is about discovering my all powerful, most holy, completely loving God and learning to see His mighty hand at work in this world.

The thing is that it just isn't about me.

Imagine that.

God has my attention and it is inescapable. Sometimes I coast and drift through life because it's easier than remembering that there is much more to this life than my own simple circumstances. Sometimes I get swallowed up in the details of living and think that that is the important stuff. God is calling me to something deeper, something bigger, something with much more purpose and meaning. He is calling me to Him, and He is calling me to prayer.

On Sunday as I gazed out of the window of my plane as it winged it's way back to Texas I found myself in a beautiful, breath stealing world of clouds. Large, bountiful, mysterious lands of white. Below were these tiny dots of land and movement and shadows. The sun blazed on the wing of the plane and outlined the clouds in brilliance. Words abandoned my mind and I felt a lightness in my spirit. For the millionth time in a month, tears came to my eyes.

God did this.

The wonder of it stole away my worries, my pain, my hurt, my time, my words, and my details. All that was left was God in His infinite glory. What was left was prayer, sweet communion with my Creator as He let me see Him.

Inescapable.

I'm so glad it's not about me.

Problem Solving

I like to problem solve; it makes me feel productive and valuable. Listening, for me, is an area of constant growth. People stereotype the man in the marriage as the one who hears his wife and just wants to offer ways to fix it, the wife listens with compassion. Oddly enough, in our marriage, it is often the other way around. But I'm learning.

The thing is I find myself doing the same thing with God. Too often in the past I prayed to talk out MY solutions to life, not listen to His heart. Truth is I don't much like my solutions and when I use them, I often end up in a pickle. (Sometimes, it's an entire jar of pickles.) Then, I'm just weary, frustrated, and confused. God, where are you? Only, He hasn't gone anywhere, I've just moved on without Him.

As I've gotten older, I find that the confidence and the recklessness of youth has faded, and I am much more willing to ask for help and I am learning to listen. The more I know about life, the more I realize I don't know. It's humbling. But the more I realize my imperfections and ineptitude, the more I realize God's incredible strength. He is my everything, and He is enough.

In thinking about prayer this week and about my relationship with God, I've realized that true communion with God requires that I be vulnerable, humble, and well, quiet.

I was reading this week about Moses and the Israelite people as they fled Egypt. One verse captured my attention and I haven't been able to quit thinking about it. Here it is in two translations.

"The Lord will fight for you while you keep silent."
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."
Exodus 14:14

I can imagine the fear and desperation the people were feeling. They have witnessed the plagues on the Egyptians as God provided a way out of slavery for them. Now they are free, but Pharaoh has changed his mind and all of Egypt's army is on their tail. In front of them is a massive body of water, impassable. Behind them, death and slavery. Where are you now, God? What do we DO?

I hate that feeling. Worry, anxiety, fear. That sinking pit of dread that hits you at times when your circumstances are completely out of your control. How to pray then? What to DO?

In this case, the answer was simple. Keep silent. Be still. In other words, don't DO anything except TRUST God.
Even when you are afraid.
Even when you are vulnerable.
Even when your hope is flagging.
Even when the world is falling apart around you.
Even then, trust.

So did God fight for them? Yes, He most certainly did. God's power is limitless. His love is eternal. His forgiveness complete. Our circumstances change, but God doesn't. Our circumstances confound us, but not God. We feel trapped by our choices, God frees us.

I'm learning that being vulnerable with God and not having all the answers is really the best place to be after all. In His infinite mercy, God delights in loving His weary, broken, and tired people. He wants to be my Champion and Defender and Protector and Guide. So, I will...

Trust in the Lord with all my heart
and lean not on my own understanding.
In all my ways, I will acknowledge Him,
and He will make my paths straight.
Proverbs 3: 5-6

God is a much better problem solver than I am. To my utter relief, I gladly relinquish that role.

Meditation and Relationship

Meditation does not come naturally to me. I think that is why it is called a spiritual discipline; it requires a diligent commitment to a course of action. And yet, this week while reading and thinking on this topic, I gained some clarity and a different way of viewing meditation. Joyce Hugget makes this statement in this book, Spiritual Classics edited by Foster and Griffin.

"Christian meditation has nothing to do with emptying our minds.
Christian meditation engages every part of us -
our mind, our emotions, our imagination, our creativity, and, supremely, our will."

Choosing to meditate means choosing to fill yourself with and becoming intimately attached to the object of your meditation. Meditation (or prayer, as some call it) is pursuing a relationship with God. Simple enough, right? What I've noticed in my own life is that meditation connects truth to life. It gives a clarity to my thinking and refocuses my attention. My heart become engaged in living and excited about pursuing my Savior. It helps me clear my mind of the things that weigh it down and lifts my spirit out of this world. Scripture becomes ingrained.

I've notice that since I've been reading the Bible on a more daily basis my mind and heart have been eager for more, like my appetite has been whetted. I am more engaged in the spiritual aspect of my life, which oddly enough, makes the earthly me much more content with life.

Maybe meditation isn't so hard after all.

"We bask in the warmth of his love. We feel his gaze on us. He fills us afresh with his Spirit. We receive a new perspective on life - his perspective. We draw so close to his heart that we sense his concern for the world, and from our contemplation flows intercession as we catch his compassion for a hurting world."
Joyce Huggett

Jesus calls us to this sweet communion in John 15. Over and over again He tells us, "Abide in Me" and later "Abide in my love." Meditation is a call to intimate relationship with the God of all Creation. It is a call to love and be loved. All of a sudden I don't see meditation as so difficult anymore, I see it as a rich blessing. A gift.

Meditate

I recently started reading and discussing with a friend a book about the twelve spiritual disciplines. I have to confess my ignorance when I began the book. If asked, I could not have listed these disciplines and certainly didn't know there were twelve. They are even divided into subgroups. As much as I love making lists, this was one I had little awareness of. If you are in that boat with me, here they are as listed in the book.

Inward Disciplines:
Meditation
Prayer
Fasting
Study

Outward Disciplines:
Simplicity
Solitude
Submission
Service

Corporate Disciplines:
Confession
Worship
Guidance
Celebration

What I love about the book is that it is selected writings of Christians authors and thinkers for the past two thousand years. Wow. The lives, experiences, and collective wisdom represented is a bit staggering.

For the next few weeks we are talking about meditation. I am a very reflective person and love having time to think and process life. Keeping a journal has always been a part of my life, but I don't think I am so good at meditating. (Although with young children, the journaling has fallen to the wayside a bit too.) Meditations requires a quiet composure and stillness that seems to elude me these days.

As silly as it may sound, I've often thought of meditating and marinating as similar activities. Taking the time to meditate on a truth works much like allowing spices to marinate, flavor, and tenderize meat. (Like I said, it may sound silly, but stick with me.) The truth must be given time to sink into your soul and resonate with your spirit. As it does, truth influences your thoughts, and your thoughts influence your actions. All of a sudden, your life is flavored by the time you spent meditating and by what you spent time meditating on.

Truly, I long for this kind of spice in my life, but often I am too busy? distracted? undisciplined? scared? to sit down with my Savior in the quietness of my soul and seek the Truth.

This week I was challenged by Thomas More...

To be content to be solitary,
Not to long for worldly company
Little and little utterly to cast off the world,
And rid my mind of all the business thereof.

Did I say challenge? Indeed. We do not live in a culture that applauds solitude and stillness, and yet that is the very cry of our souls. We are parched by our busyness, we are wearied by our schedules, and we are dying for something meaningful to pierce our meager existence. And yet we fill our free moments with junk food. Well, at least, I know I do at times. And those times I actually try to be still, my mind is a jumble of thoughts or I simply fall to sleep. Sigh.

So, what to do? I was also challenged by Jeremiah 17 : 5-10. Read the whole passage and note the contrast he offers. I'll only quote part of it here, the part that struck me to the core. (The bold is my emphasis, not the writer's.)

Blessed are those who trust in the Lord,
Whose trust is in the Lord.
They shall be like a tree planted by water,
sending out its roots by the stream.
It shall not fear when heat comes,
and its leaves shall stay green,
in the year of drought, it is not anxious,
and it does not cease to bear fruit.

Can't you picture it? A giant, strong, healthy tree by a stream. Lush, green, shady, fruitful. I want to be that tree. Full of trust in the Lord. Deep healthy roots, a strong foundation in Christ. Able to weather life's difficult season's with grace. Peaceful, not anxious. Full of life.

Roots don't form overnight. Strong roots take years and good soil. Again, sigh. Instant gratification this is not. This is work and commitment and discipline. So, how is this rest? God knows our needs and our weaknesses. He understands what it's like to live here, to struggle with flesh and spirit. He knows we need time with Him in order to have relationship, to form our roots. And He knows how easily we get distracted. He knows we need rest and He knows how hard it is for us to find it. There are plenty of scriptures that talk about this, but here is one of my favorites.

Psalm 46:10
Cease striving (be still) and know that I am God.

Somebody down the line in history put meditation on a list of spiritual disciplines, but it wasn't their idea. It was God's design for us from Creation. He rested on the seventh day and set an example for us, not because He wanted us to check meditation off on a to do list, but because He knows how our souls, minds, bodies, and spirits need the rest. He knows that we must choose to do it. Rest. Meditate. Be still.

Mary sat at Jesus' feet and was still. She knew that He was God. She meditated on His goodness. At times I do this, but most of the time I'm still Martha in the kitchen striving. I want to experience life spiced with meditation and knowing God in that stillness of your soul where only He can see. I want to love deeply. I want deep, well watered roots.

Old Story, New Thoughts

So, with the new year I am yet again attempting to make it through the Bible in a year. You would think this wouldn't be so hard, but every time I get bogged down in begets and minor prophets. This time I am setting monthly goals instead of one gigantic unattainable yearly goal. Halfway through January and I'm doing pretty good. In fact, I am loving it. Genesis is so intriguing. I don't know when God-fearing people starting getting pegged as pious, judgmental, conservative, boring folks, but it wasn't during the time before Christ. (And just for the record, Christians are NOT pious, judgmental, conservative, boring folks as a rule, that's a bad rap. O.k., maybe conservative isn't such a bad thing...) Anyway, I digress.

From the time Adam and Eve made their fateful choice, we've been going downhill as a race. Sin is an infectious disease, and we are fooling ourselves to think otherwise. God saved Noah and his family when He wiped out the earth and started fresh, but the remaining folks were still sinful. They showed their true colors in short order. The Tower of Babel, lying, homosexuality, deception, wars, jealousy, mistresses fighting with wives, rape, pillaging, etc. Ouch, we are a bona fide mess.

In Sunday School we focus on the pillars of the faith and their great character because we want our children to have faith like Abraham, the wisdom and courage of Joseph, and the blessings of Jacob. But in doing this, we lose the point of it all.

It is not these people we are to model our lives after, it is the God of these people who should be our focus.

Abraham made major mistakes, the line of Christ came through Joseph's very faulty and sometimes sneaky brother Judah, and Jacob betrayed his brother and couldn't keep his family life peaceful for all the strife between his wives and mistresses.

When I see these people as pillars of the faith, something to strive for, I feel inadequate and daunted by the task. I don't know that I could spend years building a boat in a land for a flood that seems impossible surrounded by people who taunt me mercilessly. I don't know that I could be willing to sacrifice my child or continue having faith in a God who asked me to. I'm not sure I'd be as faithful and forgiving as Joseph when he was so clearly wronged by his family.

But that is not the whole story.

These people were very much human. They had weaknesses, hesitations, fears, anger, and well, sin. In pondering these people as they really were I felt a kinship with them for the first time in a long time. And I realized with brilliant clarity how awesome and powerful and loving our God truly is. He called these people because He loved them and wanted to use them for something greater than themselves, His Kingdom, not because they were capable, wonderful, perfect people. Through their weakness, God's strength is evident. That gives me hope. I don't have to be a pillar of faith; I just have to be His.

Since that moment that Adam and Eve began this long spiral downhill, God has been faithfully and powerfully creating the most wonderful story of redemption and love. And the story isn't over; He is still involved in our lives today. For that and so much more, I am eternally thankful.

Fear and Worship

Irrational fears can surface at the strangest times and overcome you. They are strange to say the least because they are, well, irrational. Last night I was sharing one of my such fears with my husband. Due to some circumstances in my life at the moment, I found myself confronting a very real, but very irrational fear that bubbled to the surface. I wanted reassurance and comfort from my dear husband. What I got was him confessing that he understood because he is deathly afraid of giant ostriches attacking him with their tiny beaks and pecking him to death. Ha, ha. He couldn't even deliver this little gem of humor without totally cracking up with man-sized belly laughs. I didn't find his attempt at rerouting my thoughts so funny last night, but today I see his point. Irrational fears are ridiculous. More than anything they reveal our weaknesses, insecurities, and anxieties.

Today between my many chores, I took a break to read some Psalms and I was struck by this Truth. Worship trumps fears. When I worship God, there is no room in my heart or mind for fears based in this world. They slide away into an abyss. In the void that is left, God's abundant love and joy fill me up.

Psalm 100
Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth. Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. Know that the Lord is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture...the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.

As I soaked this in, I realized how small and insignificant my fears really are compared to the awesome greatness of my Creator. A Creator who desires intimate relationship with me. A Creator who longs to love and protect me like a shepherd watches over his sheep.And when I focus my attention on Him, I have no room in my life for fear of anything other than him, and that is not irrational. It is respectful and true and right.

And so today I am soaking in His promises and Truth. I will let the Scripture speak for itself, and I will worship instead of fear.

Psalm 103: 1-5
Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.