My Exceeding Joy

It has been over a week since I last posted. This is not because I have nothing to say or have not learned anything new; it is because the thoughts in my head are so loud and the reflections of my heart so plentiful that I can barely put into words all that God is teaching me these days. The process is glorious and painful and full of insight. And as of yet, I'm not sure I can eloquently put into words my thoughts.

As I flipped through one of my old journals today, I found an entry that seemed to capture the cry of my heart these days. While I seem to be at a loss for words at the moment, I had the words years ago.

So, here it is...

"Tell me what you long for and I'll tell you who you are."
~James Hillman~

O God, my exceeding joy and delight,
Help me to see you above the fear in my path
To remember that change in direction is not tragic,
Yet forgetting the passion you've placed in my life may be.
Capturing your beauty and truth is light.
O God give me courage to see you in me
And believe I can become what you designed me to be.

I must confess that God has not been my exceeding joy or delight for much of the past year. I've been too caught up in myself, unfortunately. Of course, this was not a conscience choice; it was a gradual and progressive blindness. I suppose that is why my reawakening is so glorious and painful. I'm seeing with new eyes. What I see of God takes my breath away, what I see of myself is excruciatingly painful. During this process I've had one main prayer...

Psalm 25: 4-5
Show me Your ways, O Lord;
Teach me Your paths.
Lead me in Your truth and teach me.
For You are the God of my salvation;
On You I wait all the day.

In praying this and applying it to my everyday decisions, I made a wretched discovery about myself. I wanted to walk in God's ways, but I was actually too afraid to do so. My prayer from years ago is still the true cry of my heart, but I've been stuck on line two and I didn't even realize it until today. I've been afraid. Afraid of what, you ask?

His ways would challenge me beyond my ability.
The way He chose would require me to step out of my blanket of comfort.
I wouldn't be in control.

And the list goes on with even more ridiculous fears. Although, I think the last reason was my biggest one and within it lies the crux of the matter, a lack of faith in God. I say these fears are ridiculous because if I truly believe God is who He says He is, then He is worthy of all my faith and trust. My fear is a lie meant to keep me from really knowing God's goodness and power.

So, I've been examening my heart and seeking God. Last week I reread Psalm 23 and realized I've taken the message for granted. This past week I've dwelled on it. I've wrapped myself up in its Truth and let it seep into my soul.

The Shepherd provides generously and consistenly.
The Shedpherd protects rigorously.
He leads with compassion and wisdom.

Why? Because He loves.

All of a sudden my fears felt small and insignificant and God was very big and powerful and capable. I began to understand. So today I read the first two verses of Psalm 25, the psalm I've been praying for weeks now. These verses made all the other thoughts and ponderings of my heart congeal and take root in my hungry soul.

To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
O my God, I trust in You...

Simple. Beautiful. True. God loves me, therefore I put my trust in Him. Much like the sheep who trust and follow their shepherd with unswerving devotion, I must trust and follow God. That must be there before He can show me His ways, teach me His paths, or lead me in His Truth. There is no reason or room for fear. What is left is a joy that endures and a hope that resonates in my soul.