October

If I ascend into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me.
Psalm 139: 8-10

Today my heart is heavy. Over the course of the past few weeks I've been reminded of the depravity of the world around me, the limits of the ones I love, the vulnerabilities I carry within my own soul, and the stark need of a Savior. My heart hurts.

In pondering these things, I felt the stirrings of fear and anger (not the righteous kind, unfortunately), and I had to tamp down the urges to either run and hide or pick up my boxing gloves and go destroy something. These are only two of my own weaknesses I was also reminded of in recent days. Humbling.

I wish I could say I immediately turned to God with the boldness and confidence that Paul displayed when writing the epistles and ministering to the early church. I am convicted by his words in 2 Corinthians 5:20, "We are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were pleading through us - I implore you on Christ's behalf be reconciled to God! (2 Cor. 5: 20). He had a clear eternal perspective on life that still challenges and teaches me so many years later. And though I may not always feel the truth of these words, I am still an ambassador of Christ. However, this ambassador has a lot to learn. My reaction to facing some trials included the following:

I vented and fumed.
I stayed busy so I didn't have to process the issues.
I locked myself in the bathroom for a good crying jag.
I sent up desperate prayers that more resembled a rant than heartfelt petition.
I discussed the various issues with trusted people in my life.

With weariness plaguing me today, I finally did what I should have done weeks ago, I opened my Bible and my journal and my heart. Submission. And waiting for me there in the stillness was my Shepherd and King. And His sovereignty, His holiness, His grace, and His compassion reminded me that though there is deep darkness in this world, God's Light has pierced it.

"For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ."
2 Corinthians 4:6

Even as I type, the weight lifts off my shoulders. The weariness is replaced by hope and His strength. And my eyes shift from a downward view of earth to an upward view of Heaven.

God is here and He is faithful.
In the darkness, we have Hope and Light in Him.
We are not alone, and we are loved.

The Son is gone for a time
Struggle and strive to hold on
In the Dark
Search for the purpose in chaos
Watch for signs of the end
Here's the Hope
In the pursuit of Life
Shining His light on the path
For the People

Short Sighted

Today I am short sighted. This I know. I have no great spiritual insight or wisdom to share. Instead I have a heart full of emotions, a weary spirit, and a mind full of frustration. Oh, the weight of these feet of clay.

I just finished reading a book by Tosca Lee entitled Havah: The Story of Eve. More than any other book I've read in years, this one impacted me and stirred my soul. On a daily basis we experience the struggle of flesh with spirit and we feel the mighty burden of sin, even though as disciples of Christ we do know hope and redemption. This book, though fiction, offered such a striking and real picture of the harmony and love and beauty in the Garden versus the desperation and loneliness and strife in a world without God. It broke my heart because of our sad state and stirred within me a longing cry for my Savior and restoration.

Maybe because of all I felt in reading that book, I am feeling more deeply my struggles today because in them I see myself living out the consequences of mankind turning from God. Are my struggles so big? Certainly not. They are the stuff of daily life and yet today they overwhelm me because for a moment I've caught a glimmer of a life in eternity. But staying focused on my eternal purpose is a constant battle.

My dirty house beckons...
A sick and angry child screams and whines and pleads...
Another child sweetly demands my every attention...
My errands and agenda are twarted by the aforementioned...
Plans crop up for my husband that leave me facing alone the previous stated issues...
Missing my family so far way causes sharp pangs of loneliness in my heart...
Indecision and lack of direction over other issues plague me..
And I'm sick.

Short sighted.
With my head bent in weariness, all I see are my feet of clay.
Uninspiring. Unmotivating.

Despite it all, I feel the hand of my Shephard gently lifitng my chin and calling my name.

"Look up, child. I love you. I chose you. You are mine. Follow me."

And with that, I can begin again. With my sight set on Him, I need not see what lies ahead. In fact, I need not see anything else...what lies ahead, what fell behind, what surrounds. I need only know that He is here with me. I am not alone. And I am loved.

Striving

It's been over a month since I've posted here. I'd like to say it's because I've been so busy, but the truth is that I've not had much to say. So easily I go from in the depths of Truth and inspirational relationship with God to wandering and meandering through life again. What happened? Well, I'll confess. While coasting on the heels of a great revival in my spirit, I lost sight of my sweet Savior. Silly sheep that I am, I allowed fear and insecurity to creep in and I forgot the strength and compassion of my Shepherd. I thought I had it under control, and what do I get? Striving. Discontent. Loss of joy.

Let me just say here, that is a tough thing to own up to after the past few months I've had. Truly, I am ashamed of my weak will and sin.

The good news is that my Shepherd loves me, and although I may have lost sight of Him, He never lost sight of me. Whew!

Today I did what anyone who is striving ought to do. I quit, waved the white flag, sat down, and prayed.

I don't have all the answers. He does.
I don't know what the next few months will bring. He does.
I can't do everything. He can.

Okay, so this sheep in all humility is now happily following her Shepherd again. Truly, it is a much better way of living.

Here are a few of my all time favorites that I plan to dwell on the next few days. They certainly lend a little perspective to a wandering sheep.

Psalm 16: 5,6, 11
You, O Lord, are the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You maintain mylot. The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Yes, I have a good inheritance. You will show me the path of like; In Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Psalm 25: 1,2a,4,5
To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, I trust in You...Show me Your ways, O Lord; Teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your Truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; on You I wait all the day.

Psalm 37:3-7
Trust in the Lord, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday.

Belief versus Faith

This past week I was studying the difference between belief and faith. For me it was eye-opening, and with Easter around the corner, I thought it perfect timing. Here is a bit of what I learned...

I've believed in God for as long as I can remember, but that is not faith. Faith is something infinitely deeper and more intimate. It says in James 2: 19 that the demons believe, but do they have faith? No. Everyone believes something or believes in something. But what is faith?

I was struck by one paragraph in the study this week, probably because it spoke directly to where I was at the moment. It's truth resonates. This is from the book Live a Praying Life by Jennifer Kennedy Dean.

If you find yourself shifting back and forth between confidence and anxiety,if you find that your mind and emotions can never fully be at rest,probably you have strong belief, but have not moved on to faith. You cannot get faith from any source except God Himself. Get to know the Promiser for yourself, and it will be easy to trust His promises. Give Him every opportunity to prove Himself strong in your behalf. Let Him take responsibility for moving you on to faith. Rest in Him.

This is the crux of the matter to me. Faith is a confidence in the character of God and the Truth of His Word. It requires a relationship with the Almighty and an awareness of His Presence in my life. I can have faith in Him because I KNOW Him. I have experienced Him and I trust Him. You see belief is a shaky business; it can change with the wind and does not have a foundation. But faith is rock solid and built on Truth. And when God speaks, I can obey in faith because I have confidence in who He is.

Later in the study, the author makes this distinction.

Faith in its active form is called "obedience."
Faith in its spoken form is called "prayer."

Faith puts action to belief. It is the heart and mind of the matter. Belief penetrates your mind. Faith penetrates your mind, heart, soul, and body. It becomes the way you live. And prayer is the relational aspect of faith. Faith is rooted in Someone.

I've always loved Hebrews 11. It is such an inspiring and challenging treatise on faith. Here is part of it...

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. for by it the elders obtained a good testimony. By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible.

By faith Able offered to God...
By faith Enoch was translated...

But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he sho comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

By faith Noah, being divinely warned of things not yet seen,
moved with godly fear and perpared an ark...
By faith Abraham obeyed...
By faith he (Abraham) sojourned...)
By faith Sarah herself also received strength to conceive and bore a child...
By faith Issac blessed Jacob and Esau...
By faith Jacob blessed his sons and worshipped...
By faith....

The list goes on and on. By faith, God's people acted on His word. This passage is chock full of verbs. All these people had relationships with God, firsthand experience, and the relationship gave scope and purpose to their lives. Hope. They chose to walk a life directed by God in faith.

I understand with greater clarity now why my life looks so different when I am walking by faith instead of just belief in God. God calls His people to hear His voice and respond in faith. Obedience. Is it easy? No. Is it worth it? Yes. DoI always obey and listen with faith? Certainly not. But when I do, the difference in my life, my mind, and my soul is significant.

You will show me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
At your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
Psalm 16:11

So, this Easter as I celebrate the resurrection of Christ and the gift of life He has given me, I will have faith in the one, true living God with whom I can daily interact. This is the gift of Easter, a relationship with the Almighty God of the universe. My faith rests in Him and I am full of joy.

All In

Since my last post life has been super busy, but I've learned a lot.

The months previous were fairly quiet, and in that time God was allowing me to marinate in His Word and in His presence. It took me a while to take it all in. In fact, to be honest, I still am soaking it up, but I've had some aha moments too.

About a month ago, late February, I was given the opportunity to get away for a weekend sans kids and husband. It was a glorious time of quiet reflection. In that time I was able to finally rest in Him. My soul in its struggle to release my fears and truly trust in my Heavenly Father found its reward that weekend, a sweet communion with Him. Since then, life has not granted me such quiet moments of reflection, but God had filled up my tank to carry me through the busy days.

Here is what I know now after months of being pruned in God's garden.

His Word is most certainly alive. Though written hundreds of years ago, there Truth is unwavering and still applicable today.

God does speak to His children, not in an audible voice, but clearly nonetheless.

God always answers our prayers. It is when we are humble and in constant communion with Him that we actually see His hand at work and recognize that His answers don't always come packaged as we expected.

God cares about the details, even the ones we think are insignificant.

There is a boundless joy and peace in walking in His ways.

See the thing is, I hadn't lived these things and experienced them in the recent past because I wasn't all in. I believed in God, I lived a decent life, but I wasn't all in. I was coasting, uncommitted.

Jim Elliot once wrote,
"Wherever you are, be all there.
Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."

I wasn't all in because I didn't know God well enough to trust Him, I didn't seek Him enough to discern His will, and I didn't understand His ways enough to walk in them. I was lost and didn't even know it. I couldn't "be all there" because I didn't know where "there" even was.

Funny isn't it?

A relationship with God is a journey. On that journey you learn a lot about yourself, but mostly you learn about God. He is the goal of the journey. Not the answers to prayer, not an easy life, not anything we are taught to expect by the world. Knowing God is the most rewarding, joy-filled, amazing experience I've ever been given. And I rejoice that it is a journey I can continue for the rest of my days.

And now I can say with confidence that I am all in.